Sexaholics Anonymous Has Given Me A Second Chance at Life
My journey to Sexaholics Anonymous began eight years ago, in a 12 Step fellowship for food addiction. I thought that I only had one problem: I could not lose weight. I thought that if I could only lose weight, everything would be fine. I was convinced of that, until I attended my first meeting. There I heard the word “addiction”-- but that did not mean anything to me. Then I learned that I have a three-fold illness: physical, emotional, and spiritual. But I also had no idea of what that meant. So I found a sponsor and I started losing weight. At the time, I was in a “committed relationship.” My boyfriend and I had been living together for four years, and we were not married.
After two months in the food program, and ten kilograms less in my body (but still obese), I asked my food program sponsor about dating a married work colleague. She told me about Sexaholics Anonymous, and about lust. I laughed. I stopped consuming pornograghy, but I continued to have sexual relations with my committed partner, and I continued with masturbation and seduction. But because my food program sponsor was also an SA member, she told me that I had to be married to have sex. She said it was a spiritual thing, not moral--but I could not understand. I thought that my committed relationship was the same thing as being married. It took me several years to understand that sexual relationships outside of marriage will not work for me, because I am a sexaholic.
I Was Practicing Sexaholic Behavior By the Time I Was Twelve
I began consuming lust as a child. Magazines with naked women in them were in my house, and by the time I was 12, I started consuming the pornography that my father and brother had in our house. I started having sexual relations with boys who were my brother’s age.
Before that, I had been sexually abused twice as child, once when I was eight and again when I was 11. I also suffered physical violence from my father.
I wanted revenge against men, and lust gave me that power. I started seducing, conquering and despising men. I found that I had power over men. But the solution became a new problem. As Sexaholics Anonymous (the “White Book”) says, I became “addicted to the chemistry.” By the time I was was 22, I lived constantly with promiscuity and masturbation. I thought this might ease my chronic depression. I moved to another country, but the problem got worse. I became crazy about seducing men.
At one point one of these men decided he wanted to be my boyfriend. I never wanted any commitment, only sexual intimacy. But he was very persistent, he was handsome and very intelligent, and he seemed to adore me. Still, I continued being promiscuous until I returned to my home country. This man knew about my sexual affairs but he wanted to be with me anyway. But in secret, he started hating me.
During this time I used food as a protection against promiscuity. At one point I became extremely obese and didn't feel like seducing men anymore. For eight years I was totally drugged with food, pornography, masturbation, and emotional dependency. Then I joined the food fellowship, and I had some victory over food addiction. But after that I started feeling guilty because I treated my partner very badly.
I Tried Following the Sexaholics Anonymous Definition of Sexual Sobriety
My relationship with my boyfriend had been based on violence, verbal and physical abuse, depression, hate, emotional dependency, and sex. I wanted our relationship to work, so I tried a new thing: to follow the Sexaholics Anonymous definition of sobriety, which includes no sex outside of marriage. But my partner and I were not married, and he did not agree with the SA sobriety definition. I needed to know if there was anything beyond fighting, depression, and hatred in a relationship.
One day my partner hurt me physically, and I promised myself to not put up with this behavior anymore. I asked him to leave our house. Three months later, we were together again, and we had wedding plans. And I was not sober according to SA definition.
After a month, there was another emotional disaster. I became the tiny child and he became the abusing father I used to have. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. Then one day he tried to run me over with his car, and then I knew for sure that the party was over. I knew that he was not the problem--I was. Lust and emotional dependency destroyed our relationship. We had no solution.
I Have Experienced Miracles through Sexaholics Anonymous
The first miracle was that I was able to end the relationship still loving him and wishing him happiness--even with another woman. I could not have done that before. That was in July of 2015, and I have had zero contact with him since then. I came back to SA and learned for the first time to really practice Step Three. I felt that I was falling off a cliff. I needed a lot of help--daily meetings, phone calls, sponsoring others, and working the Steps--because I had never felt so bad in all my life. I also realized that I had lost the opportunity to become a mother, and this was quite painful. I had to face my worst enemy: Fear. Fear of being alive and of not having another human being to take care of me. But In the last few months, I have experienced some external and internal miracles in my life: living with my spiritual community, finding a new job, and--most importantly--loving myself.
Through Sexaholics Anonymous I have recovered hope. I no longer want to kill myself every day. I have started loving others, I feel grateful, and I have peace of mind. I have found that I am a very sensitive person, and I need to set some limits in order to not be emotionally overwhelmed. I still have emotional problems, fears, and feelings of unworthiness, but with the help of my brothers and sisters in Sexaholics Anonymous, I can handle these things.
Sexaholics Anonymous Has Given Me a Second Chance at Life
Most important, in the past few weeks my father has been diagnosed with cancer, and I have been able to start forgiving my parents in my heart (not just in my mind, as I had always done before). I ask my Higher Power to give me the strength to tell them that I am grateful for all the things they have given me. Most of all, I am grateful to the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous for giving me a second chance in life.