The Truth About Me

I'm a pacifist so I don't fight much, but I do love to manage. The problem is that  managing my illness does not work so well. As I have read in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA),

Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? (AA, 61)


We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals--usually brief--were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better (AA, 30).

We have a saying in my home group: "I'm not a bad person getting good, I'm a sick person getting well."

In the past I have tried muster up all of my willpower and self-knowledge and put on a display of managing and controlling my behavior for a time--but today I know that I cannot under any circumstances manage or control my sexaholic mind. I don't so much surrender porn or chat rooms. Instead, I surrender my sexaholism, which resides in the very core of my being. At my sponsor’s direction, I don't pray for God to help me. Instead I pray God take me.  

However, there was one thing I fought and fought, and that was the truth about me. I fought the truth that I am a sexaholic to the core of my being. I fought the spiritual solution that our members offered to save me. I didn't really like the idea of my life getting better and me not getting the credit. But I have learned in recovery that I do better the less credit I get.