What is was like:
I remember the insatiability. Once was never enough--all night and all day, every day--was never enough. My need for a man was overwhelming, and I was always driving and always looking for more, and then I would be angry that my need could not be supplied by one man or many men, that the need was endless, bottomless, never stopping, always demanding, again and again and again, more and more and more, bigger and bigger and bigger--and always with the hope that this one man would satisfy me, in this way, in this place, and in this circumstance. If only I get this one thing, it will be enough. Enough, enough, enough! I will never find enough, have enough, or be enough.
The quest was never ending, exhausting, driving, and relentless. I was running toward death. I was trying to fill the emptiness and the deadness inside of me with the only thing I ever knew to get relief: being with a man. But that was only temporary relief.
I was dead inside, using handfuls of pills, trying to make the state of my body match the state of my soul. I was a failure, but mercifully, through the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous, I eventually surrendered enough to follow whomever seemed to know the way out of hell. These were my brothers and sisters in SA, and I am grateful for you all.
What it’s like now:
Today I know the sweetness and simplicity of simply being enough. Expecting nothing. Filled with joy at a kind word, a touch, or a hug--these things are simple and completely enough for me today. I’m grateful for the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous, and today I’m surrendered and thankful for whatever God puts ahead of me. God’s will is enough--such sweetness, and beauty, so easily satisfied. Enough. That is a miracle.