Surrender is about redirecting my deepest desires to God
For me, surrender is not so much about stopping my insane sexual behaviors (although that was absolutely necessary for me to recover from lust). Surrender is about redirecting my deepest desires to God. I'm not addicted to lust because I'm a bad person; I'm addicted to lust because I was not spiritually awake. I spent the better part of my life attached to a counterfeit spiritual solution. Now, since I found Sexaholics Anonymous, I am willfully redirecting that desire for connection back to God.
Early on in life I was introduced to sexual acting out behaviors. My immediate response was, "If this doesn’'t kill, me I'm doing it again!!!" Because of the phenomenon of craving that only we addicts experience, I was hooked physically--and because of the longing for wholeness inside of me, I pursued my sexual acting out with all of my mind and spirit. I did not think that lust was my problem; I thought that lust was my solution.
Unfortunately, lust is a counterfeit solution, so it did not fill my longing. The pursuit of Iust was causing me more and more separation from my True Source of wholeness and awakening. Each time I acted out sexually, I felt ashamed because my behavior did not yield the intended internal result. But I was hooked on the momentary comfort and I could not stop.
Shame became more than an emotional response to a mistaken behavior. Shame became an all-encompassing form of negative obsession in which I was building a monument to lust. Shame was my ego's best response to Iust. It was my self will's way of attempting to control itself.
Shame consumed all of my attention and energy as well as my devotion. I was addicted to lust, and shame was the outcome. Instead of surrendering, all I could do was to make a resolve. I could not keep my resolve. It was a vicious cycle that led to total despair.
Working the Sexaholics Anonymous Twelve Steps Has Been a Key in My Sexual Sobriety
But despair--instead of being the point where all was lost--became the point of my surrender. And in that moment of giving up, hope was rekindled. I found the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous. I learned that God loves me and there is nothing I can do to stop His love.
Before I found SA I was drowning in an ocean that was filled with life preservers all around. All I had to do was grab hold. Eventually I did. That's when I met the group of sex drunks in Sexaholics Anonymous. And that is what pointed back to God, as I understand God. And working the SA Twelve Steps has been the key to my sexual sobriety.