Learning to Surrender My Sex Addiction to God
Learning to surrender my life to God has been one of the the most amazing things that the program of Sexaholics Anonymous has given me--even though it seems that surrender doesn't seem to come naturally to me. Surrender goes against almost everything I had ever believed about facing life’s problems. It certainly goes against my upbringing and culture. I've heard enough people question serenity to know that I was not alone in my lack of understanding of surrender, prior to working the SA Twelve Steps. And I certainly don't claim any type of "spiritual perfection" in surrendering today. It is progress, not perfection--but progress does happen.
I like the way one dictionary defines surrender, because it fits my experience so well:
Surrender: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed; to give the control or use of (something) to someone else.
That is probably as accurate as it can be defined for this sexaholic!
First, I had to agree with God to "stop fighting, hiding, and resisting" because I finally knew in the core of my being that I could not win or succeed if I was still fighting God (Step One)
- So I stopped fighting lust. I stopped fighting being a sexaaholic. I stopped fighting God.
- I stopped hiding the truth about what I was (a sexaholic) and what I had done (my wrongs) from myself. I stopped trying to hide them from God. I stopped hiding from my fellow sexaholics--and particularly from my sponsor--the true nature of what I was and what I had done.
- I stopped resisting lust. I stopped resisting temptations and triggers. I stopped resisting God and His will for my actions and life.
Then I gave control of myself to God (Steps Two and Three).
- I gave control over my lusting to God.
- I gave control over my sexual acting out to God.
- I gave the control of my will and life to God for His use.
And because I am a sexaholic, that meant that I agreed to work the Twelve Steps of the Sexaholics Anonymous program, as my sponsor directed me to do so. I gave up my supposed "freedom" so that I could become truly free from the bondage of lust and sexual acting out.
Fighting is not surtrender
A while back, I did a study of the word "fight" in the Sexahlolics Anonymous “White Book,” and found that there is never a suggestion that we fight. Fighting does not lead to sobriety or recovery. Instead it is an indication that I have not yet surrendered to God. Fighting is the antithesis of surrendering. I cannot be surrendered if I am fighting.
I'm glad to know that my experience with surrender is not unique, but is the experience of many other sexaholics who are living life "sober, joyous, and free."
The SAWB tells me that surrender is the "great beginning" of the SA program. But as the book also says,
...no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God.