I’m wallowing in self pity, but I’m staying sexually sober by the grace of God one moment at a time.
Lately, my wife has been disconnecting herself from me but I am staying sexually sober. During the past couple of weeks, it's gotten to the point where my wife is telling me that she's given up on marriage, trust, and relationships. I feel like I'm fading away.
I like to wallow in self pity, so I decided to do the opposite action and share my experience, strength, and hope with my fellow Sexaholics Anonymous members. In the past, in a situation like this, I would be using tens of hours of pornography and on my way to a prostitute or thinking of suicide. But today I am staying sexually sober by taking actions made possible *only* by God’s grace and my willingness to work the Sexaholics Anonymous program.
So here is what I did:
1) I suspect that my wife might be going thru depression after birth (she gave birth 3 weeks ago). She has gone thru this before and I reacted by using. This time, however, I called up a hotline for women going thru this, in order to get instructions on how to be helpful to my wife. I got instructions and--as difficult as they were (agreeing with her when she complains, accepting her as she is, telling her I love her even when she is not at her best, and being on her side regardless of how I feel)--I am doing them to the best of my ability, one day at a time. And I'm already seeing a slight improvement opening with my wife, even though my sickness would have me believe that there is no hope and that I might as well go into oblivion. And I'm staying sexually sober.
2) During this period I’ve experienced extremely strong flashbacks and crazy obsessions so strong sometimes that I sometimes let them in and suffer a physical craving, taking over my body. So I'm sharing what's in my head (although I don't want to) in order to let the inside out. And I'm staying sexually sober.
3) I’m strengthening my program. I'm taking the actions of Step Nine (making amends), which have been waiting for 4.5 years. So now I’ve been trying to do an amends every day. And I'm staying sexually sober.
4) I’m sharing what's going on in my life with my fellow Sexaholics Anonymous members. Because of SA, I am not alone. And I'm staying sexually sober.
Just writing this out has helped me! Because of SA, I can pick up the phone and, make calls to my fellows, and I can feel God’s grace, today. I am grateful to you all.