I can see how, in the last several months, my program of recovery in Sexaholics Anonymous has been weakened on two fronts: I’ve made fewer phone calls (especially with newcomers), and I’ve spent less time consciously seeking contact with my Higher Power. I slowed down, thinking that my relationship with my fiance would keep me sober and serene. But after awhile, sobriety became very tough, and I became fearful, resentful, and disconnected. Lust came back, attacking hard in the form of memories of ex-girlfriends and excessive craving to want to look around.
Yesterday my girlfriend and I had a long and tough talk. I wanted to run away and run to an easier, younger, sweeter girl--any girl. I wanted to lash out to her in anger and "let her know" and "make her feel" the way I wanted her to feel. The reality of a real relationship is hard for me. I am 48 and although I have lived together with a woman a couple of times, I have never gotten this close to anyone. I am still a child who doesn't want to grow up. I don’t want reality. I am still a child who only wants fun and gratification. I can see how I’m influenced by Hollywood movies, romantic books, and porn movies that I drank in over so many years with open mind, heart, and soul. My main character defects here are superficiality, lack of endurance, and intolerance. I pray to God for depth, endurance and tolerance.
Today I’m grateful that I did not lash out at her in anger or rage; that I did not say something hurtful to her in order to make her feel “less than.” God did for me what I could not do for myself: listen without interrupting, talk when it was my time, express my needs and fears, and be vulnerable. I felt broken and exhausted afterward, but my serenity was restored.
But then in the last few days was hit by a load of fears of marrying: we will be two recovering insane resentaholics living together. I will be moving to a new country, not speaking the language, not having an income, living with two in a one-person flat, adjusting to the heat and humidity of Barcelona, leaving my SA home groups, living with my character defects, and supporting her as a person of her own: with her own likes, dislikes, boundaries, fears, and patterns.
But in Sexaholics Anonymous I have a solution. Today the solutions are:
- Make more phone calls, especially with newcomers
- Take more sponsees (I took two new ones last week)
- Devote more time time with my Higher Power (I had really slowed down here on automatic pilot the last months)
- Continuing to write a fear inventory and check it in with someone when done
Thanks for reading this.