My default setting is that my brain and inner being look like a Central Railway Station. Thoughts are constantly coming in and going out of my mind, as well as feelings, emotions, physical sensations, character defects, inner dialogues with others, memories and images of ex sex partners and porn, etc.--just like the craziness of a central railway station. My mind seems to have countless entrances and exits, and I am powerless over closing myself off from them and finding inner peace. Similar to a Central Railway Station (where thousands of people are continuously going from here to there) inside of me these thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations run criss-cross in my awareness without giving me a break.
Is this how I was born? With a white-hot, overactive, and insane brain? Or was this caused by the intense terror and craziness of my childhood home? Or was it by my own oversensitive and self-centered reactions to things? Or by my low-bottom and very damaging addictions to cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, and sugar for so many years? Or maybe by lusting from morning till evening for 30 years? Or from masturbating over 10,000 times? Or from going to nearly a hundred prostitutes? Professionals might call it borderline, narcissism, or any other psycho-medical label. But whatever I call it, I know that I am completely powerless over my sexaholism. My sexaholism is truly and completely too big for me to manage.
But today I have the solution! Sexaholics Anonymous told me that there is another Central Railway Station Manager, and that when I surrender to Him and ask Him to help me, He will. And now, because of SA, I no longer need to fight those incoming train-like thoughts, feelings, emotions, and character defects. Instead, I give it all over to Him. And in the measure I do so, I will experience freedom, and even happiness and joy--even while my brain and inner being are still looking like a Central Railway Station!
I am grateful for SA for setting me free.