I would like to surrender my fears. In the last few days they burst out again quite vehemently, to the point of stomachache, and I resorted to my old pattern of running away from problems by sleeping the during day. My fears were connected with my planned trip to Israel for the Sexaholics Anonymous Convention in Jerusalem. This is a recurring pattern for me; it happens before every convention. On one hand, I am happy, excited, and grateful that I am able to participate in the convention. On the other, my desire to control life overwhelms me. I am afraid that something may go wrong at the airport or during the trip, or that I will be hungry or I won’t have a place to rest, or I will feel lonely and isolated. I like to be secure in every detail of my life, but on this trip I will be out of my comfort zone. It’s all about my basic instincts (security) and my sick urge to look after my needs on my own. I tend to forget that my Higher Power takes much better care of me than I do. I still like to be in charge. I find it difficult to trust that my Higher Power can act through other people. My default assumption is that all other people are hostile.
After writing about all of this this and sharing it with my sponsor, he suggested that I share it with my fellows, and that brought up more fear. But I have found that taking action is what helps me (surprise!). Working with people in Sexaholics Anonymous (sponsees and others) brings me back to a sense of worthiness. Today I bought some necessary things for the trip (after much procrastination), and I feel much better. I was not able to get everything I wanted, but now, after I did what I could, that doesn’t bother me anymore.
I am grateful to the SA fellowship, and for my sobriety since January 2015.