I’ve been taking university classes lately, and somehow things seem more difficult now that I no longer have my drug of lust to medicate. In the past, lust would numb me from my fears. But now without lust, fear seems more real. In my addiction, I was so heavily medicated with lust that I was distracted from my real feelings, and as a result of the numbed-out feelings, everything seemed easier. Tests seemed easier and life seemed easier. But now in sex addiction recovery, without lust to medicate and numb me out of reality, self-will and fear have become problems. I seem to need a medicator, but what is the solution? After working Step Two with my Sexaholics Anonymous sponsor, I have gained a firmer grasp of my Higher Power--a Higher Power Who is real to me and Whom I can trust no matter what happens.
This week at work I’ve been quite fearful, and at times have I’ve slipped back into self will, trying to control results. But today I realize that I I can’t control results, because I don’t have that much power. I never had any power, I just thought I did. Today, because of SA, I realize when I have moved away from my clear understanding of My Higher power, and then I can move back to a real relationship with Him. Then I find that He is comforting and gentle and kind and patient and caring and loving. I don't completely understand my Higher Power but that's okay with me.