These Scary Steps Are Actually Love in Action
Are the Steps scary? Early on I asked an old-timer how long would I have to work the Twelve Steps. He replied, "You have to work the Steps until you learn to live the Steps." I had no idea what he meant by that.
As the Sexaholics Anonymous “White Book” says, "Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to God and others" (SA pg 204). That's what happened to me when I began the journey of working the Twelve Steps through the SA fellowship. But the White Book also says,"All this was scary,” and it was scary then and still can be scary for me.
I was scared and felt sexually triggered while writing out my Step One, so I would work on it in a small portable classroom building where my local SA fellowship holds meetings. While the meeting was going on in one room, I would sit in the next room writing. At the end of the meeting I would join the group for prayer and fellowship. Facing my powerlessness was scary but the fellowship was there for me.
This morning I was reminded of some childhood sexual trauma, and it was scary--but I was on the phone talking with my sponsor at the time, and I could tell him immediately. Today I can face my Step One without the fear of being overwhelmed by it.
For me, every Step was scary and challenging
For me, every Step was scary and challenging. None of it was easy. But every time I did the spiritual work, I experienced the spiritual benefit. And the same is true today. I sit down and have a hard conversation with my spouse. It's scary but we have experienced growth and intimacy. I have coffee with my 30-year-old son and the conversation does not go my way, but at the end we hug and agree to do it again next week. I seek my Higher Power via prayer and meditation and wonder whether this is the time that I will be found guilty and unworthy. And once again my fear is proven to be false.
I rarely leave my house in the morning without telling my Higher Power that I love Him, and asking Him what I can do for my fellow man or woman today. It's funny--the answer I most often receive is this: "Tell them they are loved." So that's what I try to do each day. For me that is the Twelve Steps in action.