Relapse taught me self-honesty
Relapse has helped me to get honest with myself. Not long ago was a Jewish holiday, when, among other things, we wear costumes and get drunk. It is also a holiday with lots of recovery miracles. And it is a special day and a special time for me in my SA recovery. Five years ago, I first came into SA. On this day three years ago, I had a drastic relapse in my disease, which helped me to hit my bottom. In the past I would blame my wife for all of my slips and falls. And I always thought that if others had a wife like mine, they would act out like me too.
On the day before the holiday, a fight occurred between my wife and I, which ended with an act of insanity, which I had never done with anyone: I was violent towards her. As a result, she threatened to file a complaint to the police. I lived in terror throughout the entire holiday. In addition to fears about what my wife might do, I was afraid that the police could arrive any minute and take me handcuffed to jail. These fears made me want to run away from my family, myself, and my life. The next day I was alone. I thought of going with someone in SA to get drunk, so I could have total oblivion even without lust. But no one was available, so I stayed home.
I was alone at home and I ran away to sleep. I only acted out to achieve complete oblivion, but still did not want to relapse. I went to the edge...touching but not touching...hoping to achieve oblivion but not to suffer the consequences. At the time, I did not have much personal honesty, and, as I stopped at some point, I did not call it a loss of sobriety. But a year later, after hearing an old timer say that what kept him from recovery was lack of self-honesty, I decided to be honest with myself. A week before the holiday, around the time I would have celebrated three years of sobriety, I decided to ask my sponsor if I should call it a relapse and change my sobriety date.
Eventually, after consultation with some old-timers I decided to not count it a relapse. This conversation with my sponsor took place before a weekend away with my wife. We had decided to go north for the weekend in an attempt to deal with our relationship, which had recently reached a new bottom.
During the weekend, for the first time, I received a lot of power and wisdom from my Higher Power. On the one hand, the option of divorce was on the table, and the other the option of restarting our journey of marital recovery. We agreed to the latter. That weekend, we began our common journey and today we are reaching new heights at the top of our marital recovery.
But something was bound to happen (according to the plan of my Higher Power), because a month after that I had another relapse. This time I had self honesty, and I immediately admitted it to myself and to the group that I had relapsed after three years and a month. And why did this have to happen? Because when I relapsed, my relationship with my wife was excellent, and for the first time in nine years of our marriage I did not relapse because of her. The first time I realized that it is not her,, but it's just ME!
After that I started re-working the Twelve Steps; this time with more seriousness, openness, and honesty--and I have changed. I became a totally different person; I was reborn. Hopelessness, despair, and doom are no longer part of my personal life or my special relationship with my wife. I have recovered and my relationship with her, and she has recovered also. And all of my special journey to recovery began two years ago on this holiday. For that I'm grateful.
Sober Since 2015