I don’t remember when I discovered Internet pornography, but I know now that I was in trouble from the moment I first saw a hardcore image on my screen. I’d been looking at photographs of women since my early teen years—magazines and well-thumbed novels we passed around at school. The excitement came in the fantasies in my head and the descriptions on the page. Of course I masturbated to them all—and I figured my buddies did too. I didn’t talk about it because there was something shameful about it.

I never outgrew that boyhood habit. I spent my twenties acting out the fantasies with women my own age who seemed willing to go along. If they weren’t willing, I’d just move on to someone else. I continued to use books and magazines for extra excitement, and to tide me over between “relationships.”

Eventually I got tired of that lifestyle and got married. My wife didn’t match the images I saw or imagined, so I continued to masturbate to those images. I began finding excuses for not having sex. I preferred fantasy women to the real one I had married, and the marriage ended.

Compulsive use of alcohol and drugs eventually took a toll on my life. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and stopped drinking and taking drugs. I met the woman who became my second wife, and we settled into a happy marriage. I even stopped masturbating for a while and began to enjoy an active and fulfilling sex life.

Then we got the computer, and I discovered a compulsion much deeper than my other addictions. We’d been married a few years when I started to explore the Internet and found Internet porn. I started spending more and more time alone with the computer, searching out ever more explicit images.

At first I didn’t pay for it. There was more than I could use for free even staying up late. In time I found porn sites that offered the fantasies I’d read about as a boy and I subscribed. It wasn’t much money, and I didn’t see the harm. I could give my imagination a rest and let the computer do the work.

My wife did see the harm in it though. She was devastated by my disrespect for her, and for all women. I’d never thought of the women (and men) in the videos and pictures as real people. They were just actors or models who were paid for what they did. But my wife was so upset that we separated. We went into marriage counseling and, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to SA, and began my recovery.

Recovery from my Internet pornography addiction has been a slow but steady process. I can still get an urge to escape into pornography when things don’t go my way, when I get frustrated at work or home, or when I’m hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I’ve come to realize that the pornographic sessions on the computer start long before I turn on the computer and that I need steady, sometimes daily, fellowship with recovering addicts as well as work on my character defects, making amends, and reaching out to others to stay sober.

I use my computer for work, and I’ve started switching it off, no matter how busy I am, if I find myself idly clicking toward lust images. Like a lustlook on the street, I know in my heart if I am being driven by a desire for the lustful thrill that I think will make me feel better. I have found I can shut down and start over.

It is by working the program of SA that I stay sober and am helped to find a God who works in my life. SA helps me know when lust is driving my attitudes, thoughts and actions, and when it is, I can turn to my Higher Power with a simple prayer or make a phone call to another addict who understands my problem. I have learned that “the first drink” of Internet pornography gets me drunk. In SA I’ve discovered that in times of temptation my God is always there ready to help me to make a real connection.