Today I am paralyzed and my life is unmanageable. I'm a highly trained and qualified professional but I cannot focus. Divorced over 7 years yet still bewildered about the what happened to my failed marriage. How much was her? How much was me and my disease?
Although my behavior was quite good before and during marriage, I was miserable. From the age of nine, I dreamed of being connected; of being "one" with the woman of my dreams. I would slay dragons, do great things, and women would flock to this hero - just like in the movies. I would then, modestly and gratefully, pick the best and live happily every after.
My two dating experiences before marriage were painful tugs of war - between wanting to stay a virgin and wanting to connect. I remained a virgin, but thought that nothing to be proud about.
Today I am 8 yrs away from my marriage - free of the pain of being in the marriage but not yet free of the pain of being unconnected. I still have the delusion that, if I do enough good things, the women will come, though they seem to prefer the bad boys.
I'm still achingly lonely, can't connect, fearful, continuing to pursue empty connections. I'm trying to soothe myself with unfulfilling activities. I keep thinking, "This one will make a connection, this one will feel better at least for a little while".
I cannot find reality, solid ground, reliable activity. I am afraid of failing and I am failing. Though I have within me the ability not to fail. I continually to choose to stay awake when I should go to bed and work better refreshed. I skip good family time and recreation time, because I have so much to do, and I am afraid to fail - afraid to recognize my limitations.