In the book Sexaholics Anonymous, on page 24, our founder (and first sober member) wrote something like this:
“The obsession to lust and sexual obsession are gone. I have been set free. Not cured. I am still a sexaholic. My programming still wants me to turn my head and take a 'drink' of anything that looks promising. Part of me still thinks I will die if I don't. But one day at a time, one glance at a time, one encounter at a time, one thought or memory at a time, I don't have to act on those impulses. I don't have to drink it in.”
This man became sober in 1976 and he wrote the above words sometime in the 80s, so this was after five or more years of SA sobriety.
I am so happy to be a part of this amazing fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous, because in this fellowship of other recovering sex addicts, we can lead with our weaknesses. Our oldtimers and trusted servants are not gurus or rulers. They are just recovering sexaholics like all of us.
I love the above quote from our founder, because it makes me understand that where I am today is normal; it’s what it means to be my type of a sex addict! I am completely powerless over lust, so I remind myself each day that I am completely powerless over it. And by the grace of my Higher Power, working through the Sexaholics Anonymous tools, today--most of the time--I am able to not drink in lust.
Today there are more days that I do NOT willfully drink in any lust than days that I do indulge. And even on those days, it might be one or two second looks, while in the past every day would be drinking from morning till evening, probably hundreds or thousands of faces and body parts through my eyes to my mind.
I am not married yet, but even when I’m with my fiancée I can feel lust always trying to shame me. I remember when I was at the airport talking to a hostess and for a couple seconds and I forgot my fiancee was next to me. Another time, as I was waving her out at the check-in, a beautiful young woman came in between our view field, and I looked at that woman instead of my fiance--and I was resentful for having to drag my eyes back to her again.
Yesterday however was a particularly negative day in this regard. I was with ten former colleagues who had taken me out for dinner. One of them was a colleague of my team from two years ago, and for whom I had felt a lot of chronic lust. I made the poor decision of walking next to her when some of us walked to the railway station after dinner. I hoped for chemistry, a magical exchange, and this was unfaithful in my heart and by this action towards my fiancée. The most recovered action would have been to walk next to another colleague. I was really powerless over making the right decision.
After that, I made a couple of phone calls and brought my defeat and shame into the light. I was told not to allow shame, as shame comes from the disease of sex addiction. Shame tells me that I am a bad person because I made a poor decision. The truth is that I am a good person who yesterday was lured into a diseased decision again, and today I can thank my Higher Power for this "Grateful Reminder.” This event reminded me again how quickly I can go astray, and that without God and the Sexaholics Anonymous program of recovery, I have no chance at all. I am not cured, and I need more conscious contact with Him in my life.