Sexaholics Anonymous Teaches Me to Surrender My Sexual Lust
I cannot fight lust - I can only surrender it.
Surrender--that is one of those hundred thousand dollar words that I have learned through Sexaholics Anonymous recovery. For me, surrender is a result of doing Step work; it is not something that I can do on my own. Following are some of my thoughts and experiences related to serenity today:
1. It is more important that I stop managing things than that I stop fighting lust. I never was any good at fighting, but I was one heck of a great manager (or so I thought anyway). As the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” says “is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” (pg 61). In order to get what I thought I wanted, I had to surrender all the ways I tried exploiting myself and managing others.
2. I had to surrender the delusion that I know what I need. I've learned that being grateful for what I have is much healthier that trying to get what I think I need.
3. I surrender my "right" to anything. I surrender the delusion that I have any rights in the first place. I don't have the "right” to Iust. Who would ever give me that right? I have a delusion that I can Iust like other people; that is, without life-threatening consequences. I think that lust is a "right!" There is no such things as surrender in the abstract. I must share and surrender the Iust I experience in a very specific manner, to God, to myself, and to another human being.
However, I try not to let the fact that I still experience lust take me by surprise or fill me with shame. Shame is useless. If I identify today as a sexaholic, then by definition I will at times experience lust. Otherwise I could not have progressive victory over lust. When I am tempted to lust is when I need to surrender. I don't fight, I don't manage--I simply surrender.
Surrender is one of those spiritual terms that I can go on and on about. Most of all for me today I offer myself to God. My sponsor says, I don't surrender, I “volunteer.” When I wake up in the mornings my prayer is, "Hi God, I can't wait to see what You have in store for me today. What can I do to be of service to you and others, especially those who are suffering? "