I have learned some things about communication in my very recent marriage. Sometimes one of us says something that unknowingly touches a related trauma in the other, and then the latter goes into a dysfunctional state. But I’ve learned that when my wife says something that hurts me and triggers anger, I ask myself right then in the same second that it happens, "WHAT IS THE SHAME?" This takes practice has been quite helpful for me, because I now realize that when I get angry, it is because some shame about myself has been triggered, such as:
- I am not good enough
- I should earn more
- I should behave better
- I am less than etc.
My wife and I are both recovering sex (and other substances) addicts. We each had sexual, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse in our childhoods. On top of that my wife suffered severe physical abuse from both of her parents. Because of these experiences, our conversations have not always been easy. However, we are blessed by both of us being in Sexaholics Anonymous, sober from all substances as well as sexual addiction, having the same HP, and clear enough to know The Problem as well as The Solution. I thank God for my spouse and for God’s love for us.