The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) tells me: "Most certainly I was powerless over lust, and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important for me to see what lust had done to me, and what it would do and would continue to do if I didn't have help" (AA page 354). This speaks so much to me! The "where I was headed" was my strongest persuader to surrender in Sexaholics Anonymous and get to my knees. My disease was already very advanced but I saw was headed for worse:
- Acting out with men (while I’m not attracted to men, I still saw that that was where my disease was headed)
- Asking women on the streets for sex
- Asking teenagers for sex
- Having sex with animals
- My disease was heading to prison, and it told me that I would be happy there. I would have a cozy little room there, and no worries about bills or responsibilities. I would finally have the time to read, meditate, and draw, and time to work the Steps to perfection. I know that is crazy but that actually became more and more attractive and credible in my mind.
- My disease was heading for suicide and I was scared to death about that.
- I was scared that getting in prison or killing myself because of sexual offenses would break my parents' heart forever and cause a big scandal in my little village.
Thank God for granting me enough light to see where I was heading. Thank God for my sexual sobriety today and not having to be drunk lust. God please help me to become ever more deeply sober from lust.