There's a great section in the Sexaholics Anonymous “White Book” titled "Getting an SA Sponsor” (SA, pages 72-75). I believe that this section is important for anyone who is looking for an SA sponsor. There is a really important italicized sentence on 72:
"I wanted to stay in charge. That's why God and healing could never get to me."
That was me at first; I made that mistake. I wanted to stay in charge!
Early on when I was dabbling in the SA program (a really insane thing to do), I looked for just the right person who I thought would be just the right sponsor for me. And then when he agreed, I went about working the Twelve Steps in the way I thought they would work for me. When I talked to my sponsor, I would tell him my ideas about how I was doing things. Then I would ask his opinion, just in case he had something small to add to my well-thought-out plans.
Not Working with an SA Sponsor
The relationship did not last long. I wanted him to be what I wanted him to be and to say what I wanted to hear, and to never tell me I should do something that I didn't feel like I needed to do. The problem was my attitude. I had not yet acquired the requisite humility to be willing to follow a SA sponsor's suggestions and to do things someone else's way. I needed a lot more humility, and I needed to experience my own version of the "incomprehensible demoralization" (see the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book,” page 30), before I could start to develop the proper attitude of surrender to another human and thus learn how to surrender also to God.
Learning humility with my SA Sponsor
Surrendering to God and staying in charge of my recovery were incompatible. Finding just the right person was not only unnecessary, but truly impossible. God may be perfect, but the rest of us surely are not! And when I finally approached an SA sponsor with the necessary humility to submit and do as I was told, the Steps actually worked!