I’ve had a tough time in my recovery, but I'm getting better. As I’ve been told, "Just keep coming back, and things will keep getting better.” I’m baffled by how my mind works and how powerless I am over so many external things and so many internal thoughts. These thoughts seem to flow into my mind without my intention to allow them in. But I’ve found that the program of Sexaholics Anonymous really helps my thought life, and the more I learn about SA and this program of action, the more serenity I get from God.
I have always wanted to be smarter than everyone else. My sponsor for the last two years has frequently said to me, “You're thinking too much. Take it easy. Pray about it. You’ll be fine. Bring it to the light.” So maybe I'm finally letting go, and letting God. I had to surrender lots of obsessions when I came to SA, such as wanting to have a girlfriend, now! But I can wait. I’m still a student, and I have parents who love me.
Recently, I found myself judging my local SA fellowship, thinking that everyone was doing everything wrong. But then one day I realized that I was unjustly judging them all. It took me over a week to realize that my serenity was stolen from me by this character defect. I wonder how many other delusions I live in today?
I also live in fear--fear that I haven’t worked the program correctly and that everything will need to be re-done, and fear that I know nothing about relationships with others. I'm so small. But I am slowly learning to remember God’s love each day, and that is hugely helpful!