Sometimes it's hard for me to share my thoughts and feelings at my SA home group. I'm a woman and sharing in a room full of men is tough. I experience sudden, fleeting thoughts about my body image and my hair - getting older, going gray, not exercising enough, clothing too tight...
All of these things can effect how I interact with people. I am insecure and feel inadequate at times. Lust and affairs once filled that void for me and getting the attention of men did as well. But I no longer have my lust outlet in which to hide my thoughts and feelings, so they come up frequently. They come in to my mind and maybe I dwell in them for 5 seconds or 5 minutes.
Talking about negative feelings was not something that happened in my family when I was growing up. In fact, it was the opposite. Today, it is extremely hard for me to admit, to myself or others, that I have negative thoughts and feelings. I do admit them to my sponsor more often but not yet to my husband.
It came out that I had been hiding some negative feelings from my husband and this caused him much pain. He'd like me to accept my feelings and share them with him. Hiding my feelings seems like I'm lying to him all over again.
My husband was crying as I was leaving to take our daughters to camp today. I know that dismissing my feelings is not being honest to God. My husband accepts me for who I am and the thoughts and feelings I have. I don't need to be afraid and yet the words don't come out.