A few months ago, I asked my sponsor if I could go down from around 18 meetings a month to 16. I felt exhausted going to all the meetings (I have to drive a long way to get to them) and thought surely I had earned this small reduction. He said no (and none too delicately), and I was really angry, to the point of wanting to change sponsors. In the subsequent weeks, I am so glad he held that line, as I've begun to see a dangerous trend in my thinking.
My sponsor has another sponsee who has twice my sobriety and who comes to one or two meetings a month. In my mind, I am envious. Why doesn't my sponsor crack the whip on him? Not only that, when the guy does show up, he seems happier and more serene than I am, so that it's as if I'm doing four times the work for a tenth of his result. I have a deep bitterness for all such people who make "cameo" appearances at meetings. They drop by every few weeks, still sober still serene, say hello as and joke around like they're regulars. Meanwhile I'm thinking "I've been here just about every meeting for three years, taking service positions, showing up in the rain, sleet, and snow."
A fellow SA did me the great service of showing me how I've gotten away from seeing that I do all I do because I need it. It's humbling because it makes me feel like a loser. I NEED four meetings a week, and all the service I can get, whereas some people can thrive on one meeting a month and no service at all. Once again, I'm the laborer in the vineyard who's endured the heat of the sun all day, and I see guys who work an hour getting paid the same as me. Who said I ever had to be paid in sobriety in the first place, though? I could still be slogging around in the mud, drowning and dying. My solution has to be radical and others might not. Thank you, God, for my sobriety, despite whatever I have to do for it, and help me be as serene as some of these other men I see.