When I came back

When I came back to SA, I was spiritually dead. The White Book's description of spiritual death described me exactly. Although religious, I was deeply depressed and isolated. I had just crashed my way out of yet another career, yet another marriage... I was ready to die...

Meditation just opened me up to more darkness. Therapy brought some understanding, but no relief...

I had experience of SA already - it was through SA that I had been miraculously relieved, 20 years earlier, of my obsession with X-dressing and M. But now I was in a stable relationship. As far as society and my family were concerned, I was a married man. I had yet another successful career, retirement home, financial security.... But I still wanted to die... And then, out of the blue, my old obsession with X-D and M had returned, after 20 years, and worse than ever... The same old same old was back again...

I called my old chums in the fellowship - although away from meetings, I had never lost contact completely. 2000 miles away from my nearest English-speaking meeting, I booked myself into an SA convention. There I was immediately given a sponsor (previously I had always chosen one myself!) and got down to following his directions as I began to work the Steps for the Nth time.

I also attended as many of the frequent 2 day intensive Step Workshops that are available to SAs in my part of the world as possible.

All this, I now understand, was me completing Step 0 - for the first time! Although I had worked the Steps many times I had never really joined the Fellowship - never really got into the safety of the center of the SA life-raft!  In my desperation to live life to the full, (recovery was supposed to be a "bridge to normal living" right?..), I had been so busy with so-called success (money, power, marriages, influence, public recognition) there was simply no time or space for God in my life...

Working the Steps this time, my sponsor has encouraged me to leave my whole former addictive life style behind:  this time I have willingly walked away from it all, gone through the dark night of withdrawal, and this time, as the Steps themselves promise, I am being blessed daily with the spiritual awakening, the progressive ongoing healing that is ours when we really work this program and make "carrying our message of recovery to the still suffering sexaholic" our primary purpose...

As long as i stayed attached to all those externals in life -  the so-called trappings of worldly success - the spiritual awakening had eluded me.

Today, having let those externals all go, (though I can still take them all up again at any time and am frequently tempted to do just that...), I'm blessed with an inner life and a spiritual awakening that even at this early stage is already beyond my wildest dreams...

Thank you my dear fellow SAs and above all to my HP for never giving up on me....!