I'm a sex addict, a lust addict and perhaps even a resentment addict. Over the past few days, while struggled mightily, I have contemplated the concept of suicide. No, don't call the hotline - just read on!
When I think of suicide, I think of someone who is in so much pain and despair, that they truly believe the only way to end the pain is to end their life. It's not that they want to die; it's that they want the pain to end. It is a terribly sad event.
Each day, each hour, I am faced with a similar decision. Do I give in to lust or do I work hard for sobriety? If I give in to the lust and act out, it will stop the pain, at least for a few minutes. Then I can act out again tomorrow and stop the pain again. In fact, I can embrace a life where I drink in the images and the videos, where I pursue lust and pleasure; a life where the fulfillment of my sexual desires is the point. I can medicate that pain each day - until my life finally ends.
But this would be suicide. If I embrace lust and the act out, would I not be choosing to end my life? Would I not lose more than I already have? Wouldn't I lose my kids? Lose my friends? My family? My church family? Wouldn't I be risking my own health? In truth, each time I act out, I risk losing everything in my life that is important to me. That would be suicide.
Sadly, some people choose to embrace that "life". But, sadder still, it doesn't stop the pain; it just medicates it for a short while until the pain returns. Or, I can choose each morning to pursue sobriety. I can choose to live. It is painful. It is difficult. Some days, many days, it simply sucks. But it's life. It's living. I can work to become healthy. I can face my own demons. I can rely on people that are trying to help me. I can build friendships and relationships. I can receive the affirmation and love that I need in healthy ways. I can learn to love my Higher Power and learn to accept His love for me.
So today, I am working to choose life. I may have to choose it several times today. And I may have to do the same tomorrow. But I want to live.