Then my denial broke

I was in denial about my addiction until about 8 months ago. About a year ago some things happened in my life which forced me to look at my defects. I have worked in a religious capacity for over 10 years and although I preached the stuff but I wasn't looking inward. I thought that I was fine, except for a little problem with porn. 

About six months ago, I started going to some SA meetings.  As I looked at the 12 Steps, my inner reaction was, "I know this stuff. I 'buy' all these steps." So, I stopped going to meetings because I knew it all and could not see anyone getting sober. 

It took me another five months to begin to understand. About a month ago, I began to see that my life is unmanageable and that I cannot control my addiction. This was the first time I began using the word addiction and meaning it. About a week after that, I moved to Step 2 and took a few days to really confirm in my heart that I DO believe that my Higher Power is able to do something that I cannot.

So - now comes Step 3 and surrender. To me, Step 3 is tricky because if I act out, it means I don't get Step 3. To me, Step 3 means sobriety - at least on a level that I have not been able to achieve out of my own ability. It's been years since I've been able to go longer than a week or two without acting out. And some periods, it has been a daily thing.