Amazing things are happening which, as the Big Book promises, are "beyond my wildest dreams". My girlfriend and I are still dating after I told her about my addiction and same-sex lust. Last week she called to tell of her struggle to keep what I had told her a secret. She said that she wanted to share it with a few close friends.
Well, before I get to my reply, here is a valuable reflection: Keeping a secret is NOT natural. It's heavy and uncomfortable. It pulls me away from the people I love. That's the normal effect of a secret on a human. No wonder my life was so awful before I began working the Steps.
I suggested that we both meet with an old-timer to discuss the situation. She agreed and I thank G-d for her courage.
We had a very good talk, which helped me to feel a lot more comfortable around her. It's as if she now understands me much better and has had a glimpse of where a sexaholic like me could be in s couple of decades, provided sobriety and the SA solution remain my drive in life.
Also, it has helped me to realize how brave she is. I now see that I was looking for a woman who would appreciate me as a person, a friend and a man. but who would also see all of me - good and bad - and understand. Now, even though my friend probably doesn't fully understand, and might never do so, she is willing to look straight at me and my past and see the man that I've turn into today: a man that went through hell with this illness, by choice or destiny, but went through it all - and survived. and is now here, happy joyous and free, comfortable in my own skin and......
Not afraid to do the right thing, not afraid to be completely honest, not afraid to admit my own faults, and not afraid to be vulnerable. Oh, and not afraid to admit he is totally afraid, but then not afraid of being afraid either :)
Love is like art: in order to learn it I need to practice it and to experience it myself.
I'm writing this now because I have just spoken with her on the phone and I felt something....something I never thought I would... Humble, gentle, joyous, warm feelings,,, and suddenly I smiled, I want to tell you that I am not who I was 520 days ago or even 52 days ago.. Thanks to God, and thanks to SA.