A sex addict does not have to act like one

I used to wonder how I could ever live sober since acting against my feelings would be fake.  I thought myself authentic because I hurt inside and didn't want to be "peppy" like all the other fakes.  So I walked around giving surly looks to people.

The dictionary says a "hypocrite" is "a person who affects virtues or qualities he or she does not have."  I thought it horrible when my sponsor said, "Fake it till you make it."  How long could I fake being "pure" when inside the real me was seething with lust?

The problem was mistaking what the real me actually was.  I took the feelings and defects that had come to dominate my life as the real me and the kind-hearted me as false.  I'd let weeds overrun the garden and started pulling up the roses as imposters.

When I started praying for people in the program I disliked, false as it seemed, I started making friends with them, and then it came to me, "Oh yea, I actually am an open-minded, friendly person.  I'd just forgotten."  When I surrender the feelings that hurt me and others, and take contrary actions, it's not repressing the real me, it's expressing the real me.

Before, I didn't believe I was a sex addict, but acted like one. Now I call myself a sex addict but don't act like one.  It's a hypocrisy I can live with.