I have been acting as if my lust addiction is a matter of will power, when actually I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. If I stay on this road, I shall lose everything. I tell myself that I need to work the programme better, because it is a good thing to do, when, in fact, my world is crashing around me.
I am asking myself what's the difference between lust and a healthy need to deal with loneliness by connecting with others - when my mind is confused and unable to focus. I am late for work this morning because I browsed, I imagined, I projected, I took steps to connect, I bought a new phone and I stayed up until 2:30 am AGAIN.
I have no meetings and no sponsor. There are women that love me and would marry me, but I am afraid and won't let them. Instead, I'm constantly seeking what does not fulfill. I have been "working" very ineffectively for 16-20 hrs a day for over 2 years.
God, get me through this day. Help me to find space in my life for recovery, to be wiser with my time, to find a sponsor, to find people to call.
I don't want a bottom of jail, job loss, bankruptcy, reputation loss and diseases. I have had enough bottoms in my life.