A perfect person trying to stay humble

At 18 months sober, I realize I'm rather a wonderful guy. When Chapter Five of Alcoholics Anonymous announces "We are not saints," I think, "Speak for yourself." Since I'm sober, I guess you could say I'm not a bad person trying to get good, I'm a perfect person trying to stay humble.

The only trouble comes when I have to tell my story because I suppose, in my past, I was a bit of a rascal. In fact, women from my past life might have described me with the first few letters of "sobriety."

My relationships could have been called "The Unfair and Square Dance". I'd grab my partner, spin her 'round, sidestep commitment, then switch partners. I took it for granted that buffoons committed buffoonery, and adults committed adultery. I didn't know about the Big Book or the white book, only my little black book.

I thought I worshiped women, putting them on pedestals. (When women are on pedestals, they can't see your flaws up close.) They were superior beings to men. I'd never seen a woman give less than everything to a relationship or a man give more than necessary.

When I came to SA, I admit I had a little trouble with sobriety initially. I had continual slips and transparent excuses; I was what you might call a "glass slipper." I continued to buy non-Conference-approved literature from convenience stores. I was frequently in the moods of the acronym HALT (Hunger Angry Lonely Tired), and in the denial that leads to FLIRTS (Former Lustaholic Innocently Reaches out To Strangers).

These days I spend time coming up with ideas for how to make SA better. I have an idea for diffusing heated business meetings called a "commercial break." The leader stops the meeting and sends everyone out of the room with their cell phones saying, "We'll be back after a word from our sponsors."

True, I might have a minor overeating problem. I may be gaining some weight but I believe that "no matter how far up the scale we have gone..." I've gotten through Steps One through Nine; Step Ten doesn't apply to me. Step Twelve is my writing this article and for Step Eleven, I pray you gain wisdom from it.

(The preceding are the views of a sexaholic mind and do not reflect those of the one who unhappily owns it. The owner realizes the ideas are incoherent, or, as Step Two gently implies, insane.)