Only technically sober on my wedding day

Alas, I was pretty unclear about sobriety as my marriage day approached. Lust led me to be increasingly technical about my sobriety so that, although technically sober on my wedding day, I was in reality taking daily lust-drinks because my partner was an enormous lust trigger for me, and that totally clouded my mind. 

The best thing for me would have been to stick extra close to the fellowship, sharing as vulnerably as I could.  But I was already beginning to turn my partner into my Higher Power and did not do this. I now realise that it is precisely because I am powerless over lust, precisely because this is such an impossible addiction, that there is so much hope for me. The sheer impossibility of me managing my lust leads me to rely completely on my Higher Power and thereby find daily victory over lust. 

Finally I realized that the way I related to others - not just to women but also to recognition, as a "good guy" in public life, had brought me to a dead-end. No amount of relating to others, no amount of public recognition was ever going to "hit the spot". That was a moment of despair but also of hope. That was when I began to take prayer seriously and my relationship with my Higher Power began to take off.