I am still disturbed by a dream I had last night. In the dream, someone I lusted after years ago wanted to connect with me. I am grateful that, even in my dream, I turned down his offer to act out but tried - unsuccessfully - to connect with him in conversation.
Now, after waking, I'm left with the desire to believe that I could have successfully connected with him if we had acted out in the dream. That is the same lie that began all my acting out with others – that I can use sex as a shortcut to true intimacy and connection.
I have such a strong desire this morning to believe that lie, maybe it can work with just the right person, the right circumstance – I feel driven to go looking for it. This is the basis of my addiction and I am choosing to surrender it today. I played that movie through to the end and it always, always ends in disappointment, loneliness, shame and pain. My addiction lies to me every time and I want to believe.