Yesterday was a day of progress for me. Not total victory, as lust is an ever-present siren, but I declined an opportunity to descend into fantasy and act out - an opportunity I would usually be waiting for with bated breath before I began my journey toward recovery.
Twice a week my wife takes the kids to dance class. On such days, when I am off work and home, this would be my unhindered go-to time for self-medication, especially if I was walking the ragged edge of sanity. Yesterday was one of those days: things to fix, household projects taking far too much time, the night shift approaching, kids under my skin, etc.
When she left with the kids, the first thing that came into my mind was, "Wouldn't it be nice to escape from this madness for just a few minutes?" My answer wasn't immediate; I had to ponder it for a minute, but it finally came. "No, that is not an option. The fix is too short and the cost too high." I walked away from the computer and went to do other things before work. It wasn't a white knuckle moment. It was peaceful and simple. "No."
There were days when I would have grasped at that opportunity, waited patiently for it, binged on it. Hated myself and everything around me afterward. I never seemed to have a choice, or at least allowed myself one. What a liar. As I peel back the onion layers, that is my consistent assessment of myself - what a liar.
There is choice, and the other options really are much more wonderful, though the pull of lust and its offer of fantastic wonderment are often the loudest voice in the room.
So, I'll take my little moment of progress and be grateful. It's a little moment in the great scope of things, but little moments make the day.