One year ago, I was approaching 12 months of sobriety and looking forward to receiving my One Year token. Then I went on a business trip. I was confronted by several temptations. Though I knew better, I chose to indulge. I picked up a local paper with the honest intent of looking at triggering adverts, and I found them. I made local internet searches for triggering ideas, and I found them. Eventually this led me to pornography and to viewing material that violated my personal sobriety bottom line. Although I indulged for much less time than I might have done in the past, and despite the fact that I did not masturbate (SA definition), I knew that I had crossed the border and needed to reset my sobriety date. So, just four days before my first year anniversary, I reset the date.
Now I'm coming up on that first year again and I have not crossed a bootom line. it's taken a lot of time and a lot of work to get here. My quest for sobriety has not been perfect but I continue to pray and to work towards progressive spiritual recovery. I have to work the Steps every day and incorporate their healing qualities into my life. I pray that my bottom line will continue to rise with time, sobriety, faith and more Step work.
Today I need to work Step One. I have an alergy to lust (and alcohol and drugs for that matter), and when I choose to engage in lustful activities, no matter how minor, I am entering the zone of powerlessness. I'm not just risking "one quick look" but rather the serenity, safety and security provided by my my Higher Power. If enter that powerless zone, my life will return to the hellish form it was in two years ago - complete unmanageability. I cannot control lust. I can't even dabble with lust because it will always demand more and then I will either have to feed it or resist it, and resistance is futile, of course. Dabbling will trigger emotional and physical cravings, lust hunger and withdrawals will set in. I'll remember how much I can hate myself, while fearing and resenting everyone else. Yep... my life will become unmanageable.
So for today, I will not dabble. Safe in my Step One memory, I will surrender the various temptations that come my way. Tomorrow I'll get on my knees and thank my Higher Power for one more day of sobriety, for twenty-four hour's worth of recovery. Thank goodness for this program and for these twelve steps!