I was talking to my sponsor about my latest slip. I told him how I'd acted out and then said, "I know I need to work the steps, I know I need to do the next right thing. I know that if I do this I can be sober. I know I need...." He stopped me and said, "Well there's your problem".
I waited, trying to figure out what he meant. He let me think for a minute. And then he told me what I didn't know - that I'm not surrendering. I'm still trying to control my world. I can't. And until I realize that and accept that, I won't recover.
He asked me if I had prayed when I woke up on the day I acted out? Well, no I hadn't. Before bed the night before? Well.....no. Had I done some recovery work and reading that day? Uh, No, I had just I got busy.
So, I need to surrender. Got it? No, I don't. If I "got it", I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.
So, accepting the fact that my sponsor has years of sobriety and that qualifies him to tell me what to do, I got up this morning and read my devotional, then read a few pages in the White Book, and I prayed. I thanked my Higher Power for my sponsor, for keeping me safe, and I asked for His help. I asked for help to understand surrender. I asked for help in submitting my will to Him. I asked for help in staying sober today.
I rolled over to go back to sleep and, I'm not sure why, but I prayed again. I ate breakfast, and I prayed again.
Do I understand what I'm doing? Not really. I understand pieces, but not the big picture. But that's okay. I understand that today my Higher Power can keep me safe and keep me sober. I understand that I don't truly understand surrender, but that He will help me to surrender and will show me what I need to do.