My dis-ease has a built-in forgetter and an ego that says that everything really is under my control. I'm striving for a better memory and for true humility.
Last Saturday I had an appointment in town. While there, I had some spare time and the urge to go to a strip club was powerful. This is one of the major manifestations of my dis-ease. I was able to surrender the urge and find my way home. But that night, whilst watching TV with my wife, I indulged that urge. I hate the term "euphoric recall", but in any case some stinkin' thinkin' turned up.
On Sunday morning I went to church, feeling like a real hypocrite and carrying a load of shame. I didn't want to pray for His help, as I was still thinking, "If I could I'd go to the strip club." In the afternoon I once again had some spare time....and those lust thoughts came back.
Yesterday, I spoke about this incident to another member and to my sponsor. My conclusion: I'd taken the hard way to stay sober that weekend. Lust is powerful and was probing over the weekend. My ego was on "high" - telling me that "I could handle it". God was present for me on Sunday morning but I didn't want to surrender my lust and shame to Him. The idea of calling others, which I do normally, didn't even cross my mind. I took lust too lightly, believing that I didn't need anyone's help.
At our meeting last night, our reading from the White Book was on Step Zero. My Higher Power certainly has a sense of humor. In any case, I'm striving not to take lust too lightly. I may have been in SA for a while; I may have some good sobriety under my belt; I may do service for the fellowship; but at the end of the day, I'm still a beginner in the program at times.