Last night I went to a meeting of my home group on Step One. The reading from the Step Into Action Step Study Guide described me to a “T”: feeling that awful compulsion to lust; somehow expecting that the results will be different this time; thinking that there was actually some way I could control it. And yet, time and again, over the last few days, I've found myself back in the same old place, doing what my disease does best.
I was back on the internet, using innocuous search terms of course. (My computer has accountability software and sends reports to my wife) Just seeing what came up.
The night before last, I entered what seemed to be a “safe” term (I won’t reveal what it is), and a pop-up window from my filter announced that the site was blocked because of nudity. That scared me because a report will be sent to my wife in a day or so and I could have a lot of explaining to do.
I’ve told my sponsor and I’ve prayed about it. I've since turned the whole matter over to God. What that means is, I don’t have to worry, because it’s in His hands. The meeting last night has helped me to realize that the events over the last month have been leading me up to this.
First of all, I was in a country where there is no SA program. There are a few English-speaking AA meetings in some cities, but they are all closed and I don’t qualify for AA. My phone stopped working after 3 days. I couldn’t use the local Wi-Fi system with my own computer and had to rely on my wife’s computer, when she wasn’t using it. So I had little contact with other members, including my sponsees.
There were a huge number of triggers where I was (partly because of the weather and partly because of the wardrobe choices), and I had a very powerful face-to-face Step One experience with a trigger. I came home, and I’ve been jet-lagged, culture shocked and at a loose end, with time on my ends. Add all of those up, and it’s a perfect recipe for lust to come knocking.
This morning, I’m so grateful to be a member of the SA program, to have others who I can reach out and share these things with, even though it’s difficult to admit what I've been like. I’m very grateful not to be feeling that awful gnawing compulsion. I'm glad to be present and to get on with my day.