I'm picturing a memory from a few years ago. I awake to a beautiful spring Saturday morning, birds chirping, sun shining. Lying blissfully in bed with a full day of relaxation ahead of me, I sigh contentedly and think, "You know what would make this day even better? Masturbation."
They say my best thinking brought me to SA, and this is an example of some of my best thinking. When it had been a few days since I had acted out, (which wasn't often), the trigger to masturbate again often wasn't graphic, but something sweet and beautiful.
I'd fantasize about being with a woman, nothing sexual, just pretty and cute. And then it would turn sexual, but still stay within what some might call healthy fantasy.
Then I'd act out. And a switch was flipped. Suddenly there was a hunger deep inside, some famished, frantic need for a bigger fix. It might be a few hours later, maybe a day or two, but within a short period of time, I was using darker, more seductive, "harder" stuff in my mind and DVD player - really hard stuff.
How did it go from something so innocent to something so dirty, from me being a knight in shining armour, to me being a dragon? It was as surprising a change as the cute, cuddly creature from the movie which, when dropped in water, becomes a gremlin.
It was the same when I dated someone. It started so flirty and cute. Genuine laughter and playfulness and wanting to hold hands more than anything. And then something sexual would start. And somewhere in that act of making love, it seemed like we were making hate. A cold wind swept through the relationship and soon afterwards we would be arguing with each other for no reason and the relationship brittled and died.
Something in my make-up will not allow me to just "revel in the loveliness of a woman" with my eyes or my mind and then move on. That field of flowers other men can enjoy without issue but I'm allergic to it. What that pollen is in my body, the reaction is intense and gets progressively worse.
Maybe it's moving me to a place where I'm truly able to see women as equals and not as objects put on this earth to please me. I'm excited to see where the path of sobriety leads me next.