Life remains unmanageable by me

In recovery, my life is still somewhere about ... oh perhaps .... 0% manageable by me.  Might not be exact, but it's in that range.

But what I do find is that there is a lot of illusion of manageability, that would entice me into thinking that I can control things.  Example: I can usually walk from here to the curb to get the mail, without falling down or incurring any major wreckage.  But that's really just an illusion that the stroll is manageable.  It's only the random nature of events (i.e. God's "coincidences") that lets each trip to the mailbox be safe.  There could be an earthquake, or some airplane part falling out of the sky, or some drunk driver swerving onto my curb, or ...  (keep on going, the possibilities are endless!)

So.  I think that walking to the mailbox is safe, and I start to make my own plans for how and when to walk to the mailbox.  Dangerous territory for me, making my own plans for anything.  Far better for me, I think, is to treat my entire life as unmanageable.  My recovery works best when I stop frequently in my day and ask God what to do next.

Those illusions also seem to become more frequent with better recovery.  My life gets better, and normal events seem safer.  I breathe easier, without the huge risks looming over me all the time.  And I begin to slacken my recovery efforts, relying more and more on myself.

I heard an AA speaker once point out that nowhere in the AA book does it ever promise that life will become manageable.  I like that thought- it keeps me safe - from me.