I've just moved back into my bedroom with my husband after sleeping in the basement for 6 months. I'm confused. The programme has shown me that I need to call on my Higher Power in times of anxiety, resentment, anger, lust, etc. I am asking Him today, "What is my relationship with you?"
Ever since I have moved back into the bedroom I have been feeling very lustful. I suppose it's no surprise because I have missed being close to my husband and lately we have grown very close emotionally. We've worked together, as a team, with our children and I've supported him through some work and family issues. This is probably why I'm back in our bedroom. Our connection is growing and I want to be there for him in a way that I never have before. But I am lustful right now and don't want this to hinder my connection with my husband.
I also need to surrender that a female was talking about masturbation on the radio this morning. I should have changed the channel, but I didn't. I listened and became resentful that she is "allowed" to do this and I am not. I don't know this person and I don't know what effect it has on her, but I am envious that she can sit and talk about how she does this on a regular basis. If I even think about it, I start to isolate and become disconnected. Today, I'm anxious about being in my old bedroom with a husband. I love him and want to have relations with him very much but neither he nor I are ready for this move. Also, today, I am feeling angry and resentful that masturbation takes me to a destructive place.
Thoughts come up in my head like "I wish I was normal" - but, seriously, what is "normal"? Other thoughts are I wish I could do x, y, and z (things that are destructive). But the fact is, I can't. I am a sexaholic. If I look at porn I will go down a dark path and loose my sobriety again. If I flirt with a man I will begin to isolate and fantasize.
I am who I am and I can choose to fight it or accept it, stay positive, use my programme tools and remain true to my Higher Power. I'm powerless over lust but how I choose to handle lust and my addiction is up to me.