Intimacy comes at a price

Although I never felt that I could get others to lust after me, I still always dressed to impress, hoping to attract someone, anyone. And if someone noticed me looking sharp or smelling good, it was a high for me. So I certainly could say that I'm powerless over trying to make someone lust after me.

When I say, "I'm powerless over the desire to be lusted after", I'm suggesting that I once placed a value on being lusted after; that it once made me feel worthy, accepted and loved.

For example, one of my behaviours was having sex with prostitutes. I thought I just liked having sex and that I had a high sex drive. But in recovery I realized that I had confused lust and love, that I did not understand intimacy. 

My idea of intimacy was the sex act and my core belief was "if you have sex with me, I'm loved and have a true connection". The insanity was that I believed that I had a true connection with the prostitutes I used because they were having sex with me. Yet I always ended up feeling empty. It was a delusion that I fell for again and again. The God sized hole was never filled by sex alone. Hiring a prostitute was a shortcut to fake intimacy, to a mis-connection which only built bigger barriers between me, my wife and God.

True intimacy comes at a high price - I have to let someone know the real me. I was afraid that my wife would reject me if she knew the real me. True intimacy takes a huge leap of faith for me.

My desire to be lusted after comes up whenever I'm feeling unloved and not accepted. I'll do anything not to feel that way. Then the insane thinking comes - a prostitute will fill my God hole. But I know for a fact that this doesn't work.Thankfully I do know a true power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity.