Insanity. Unmanageability. Bondage

Our basic text Sexaholics Anonymous does a good job of warning us against premature confession. So the only advice I would dare give is to read the book and do what it says. Having said that, my experience is that the more open I've been able to be with others, the more it has helped me. The "double life" that I used to have to live in my lust addiction was slavery. 

Keeping my secrets robbed me of any serenity. Fear was always there. I wondered always who might catch me, who might be watching. I had to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to "cover my tracks", whether by traveling long distances to places I might not be recognized or by making sure there was no evidence left on my computer. It took all my strength to keep others from seeing how terrified I was if someone asked to use my computer. I couldn't refuse them without raising suspicion! Did I really delete everything? What might I have forgotten?

Insanity. Unmanageability. Bondage.

And some of that was carried forward into early recovery. I was still spending a lot of time and energy making sure that no one would find out about my addiction and recovery. It still felt like a double life. At least my new "other life" was now positive instead of the horror that it used to be. But I was still living in the shame of being an addict. (And it would be a big mistake for me to think otherwise, because I still am a lust addict or sexaholic to this day.)

Fortunately my wife knew of my "struggle" before we were married. She also knew it continued into our marriage, although I always was keeping lots of "secrets" from her. (Even today, I do not share the "gory details" about my past with her, partly because I have honored her request not to know but mostly because I also know it will not help her to know everything.) 

But through making amends, more people became aware of my addiction. Then, as I started to "carry the message", even more people became aware. Nowadays, many of the "significant" people in my life know that I am a recovering s-aholic. But the only place I have been "completely open" is with my sponsor and my home group - other sexaholics who know and understand what it is like to be a sexaholic.

The longer I have been "in recovery" (i.e. both sober and working the steps), the more my "two lives" have come together. There is an increasing congruence between the way I live and how I interact with the world around me. And although there are some email conversations on my computer with other SA's and some documents and materials related to SA recovery, I no longer am afraid to let someone else use my computer.

Learning more and more how to surrender to God by working the Steps of this programme under the guidance of a sponsor has increasingly resulted in a freedom I could otherwise never know. Part of that freedom is to just be who I am, a recovering lust adct.