If Lust ran a newspaper advice column

I've been musing about the kind of advice Lụst would hand out if it ran a newspaper column. If it's anything like the advice it's been giving me daily for decades, I imagine it would be something like this:

Dear Lust,

My cat just died. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Sad Lad

Dear Sad,

Have you tried lụsting? Give it a try.

Love,
Lụst

Dear Lust,

I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and I'm always left out to dry.

Sincerely,
Lone Lee

Dear Lee,

Have you tried lụsting? Give it a try.

There's a misconception that Lust and Love are opposed - that one is selfish and the other sacrificial. But think of the sacrifices lụstful people make. They give everything they own (and sometimes things other people own) for the chase. They soulfully adapt the classic Motown song:

"Cause baby, there ain't no action vile enough,
Ain't no bottom low enough, ain't no boundary tight enough,
To keep me from getting to you, baby."

Love,
Lụst

Dear Lust,

I'm on the brink of self-destruction.

Yes, I have tried lusting. You told me to try that twenty years ago, and I've basically done nothing but lust since then. That's what got me into this mess. You said it would fulfill my desires, but I've only increasingly lost all desires, including the desire to eat, sleep, shave, or live.

Regards,
D. Spare

Dear D.,

I don't mean to sound glib, but have you tried lusting? Give it a try. Twenty years isn't a sufficient trial period to evaluate the benefits of lust. Give it time. Maybe you're not engaging in the right kind of lust.

Perhaps you've been holding back? Take your strictest boundary and cross it. We set boundaries around the things we want the most. If you've denied yourself enacting your deepest fantasies, no wonder you're unhappy.

Love,
Lust

*****

In my experience, Lust has many recipes, but the ingredients are always the same and the chef always gets burnt. It is the worst place to go for advice, yet I'm always tempted to consult it when troubles arise, even though I already know what it's going to tell me.