I really am a sexaholic

Part of me knew a long time ago that I was a sexaholic. But another part of me just didn't want to admit I had the same problem as all those other people who showed up at meetings. I've got to admit that was mostly pride, mostly me wanting to be "special" and unique, so that I didn't really have to do the Steps the way others had to. The first three Steps looked OK but all that work, from Step 4 on, really didn't appeal to me. That looked like a whole lot of work, and I just wanted to stop acting out, not do a whole lot of work under some sponsor's direction.

Back then, I was holding onto hope that I could find a way to rid myself of my problem. I tried a whole lot of ways to do that. I basically saw my "addict" as some extraneous part of me, not really who I was, not really the "real me". I just needed to get strong enough to break free from that "non-real" part of me, or at least strong enough to just tell that part of me when to sit down and shut up. 

The problem was, that never worked. (BTW, why is it I had so many brilliant ideas for what I could do to beat this thing, but none of them ever worked?) 

What did work began with a moment of initial surrender....when I sat down and took stock of what I had become and could not escape the conclusion that I AM A SEXAHOLIC. Based on what the SA book was telling me a sexaholic is, I AM that. Period. And that meant that I was powerless over lust, and it means that I still am powerless over lust. There is no escaping this fact of what I am.

So instead of keeping on fighting this "thing", I just embraced the fact that the "thing" I had been fighting was actually just myself, and there was no way I was ever going to beat myself, so I might as well just give up trying to do that, and just come to grips with being a sexaholic once and for all. I resigned myself to being a lust addict right up to the day I die. And that moment, when I finally just gave up, wasn't accompanied by some amazing feeling or profound epiphany. It was sort of like letting out a sigh and saying to myself, "Oh well, I guess that is how it's going to be."

And the amazing thing is that I'm ok with that now! Working the Steps has made that change for me.

My own experience is that calling myself a sexaholic was never an excuse for anything I did. There's a whole section of the SA book that talks about "The Spiritual Basis Of Addiction" (p. 45-58). I really find that section to be very powerful every time I read it. It concludes with four points, but 3 & 4 are the ones that break through the excuse making for what I had become:

"(3) Our addiction is an inside job; we are responsible for the attitudes that set its course and propel our thinking and behavior. (4) Since we had something to do with becoming what we are, we can assume responsibility for the change of attitude - surrender - that will allow healing to begin. We can become willing to see and surrender what we know we're doing wrong. The Fellowship and the Program of the Steps take it from there."

And of course, there is no way I could have honestly worked the Steps without taking full responsibility for becoming what I am and taking full responsibility for doing what I have done. No excuses, just the simple truth that I am a sexaholic, and I am responsible for all my wrongs. And without my experience of a "loving God" who is unbelievably gracious to me, I don't think I could have really fully embraced what I am and admitted what I had done. 

So again for today, I'm just another sex drunk staying sober one day at a time by the grace of God. And I really am ok with that.