I preferred excitement

Let me tell you some of my story. Maybe you can relate to it.

My addiction started when I was 10 and saw a magazine in the sand which gave me an adrenaline rush because it was new, exciting, and different from anything else I had seen before, plus it was the thrill of it and the intrigue and the tease of it, and I knew it was something I shouldn't be looking at but the risk of getting caught with it was exciting too, so I was all the more feeling the adrenaline rush.

It was that feeling, the feeling of seeking some new, exciting, and different, that fueled my addiction for 35 years, always seeking something new, exciting, and different, and thrilling, the thrill of the chase, but once I caught what I was chasing after, I became bored, and I didn't like bored because I preferred excitement, so back I was at trying to find that feeling to get that adrenaline rush going.

The problem was it was like a shadow I could never catch because it never lasted and I would need more and more thrilling and exciting places and people to pursue to find that adrenaline rush, and I would need to push myself further into the thrill of the chase to get that same adrenaline effect, often spending hours and hours and lots of money in pursuit of that elusive shadow, always thinking there was something out there I haven't tried or someone out there that would make me feel safe and peaceful.

And then I started feeling shame, guilt, and remorse at the money and hours I was spending so I would make a solemn vow to myself to either stay on the computer for an hour or two, no more, but often would find myself spending hours and hours on it, or I would say, no, I won't do it again or not tonight or not this weekend, and I really meant those vows to myself, but then the urge would come upon me again and I would be right back at it without giving it a second thought until after the deed was done and I would kind of wake up and think to myself, how did I get here again? And again I would make another vow. And more shame, guilt, and remorse would set in.

It was a vicious cycle that I haven't had to practice now for six years thanks to the 12 Steps of recovery in SA.

Now I no longer wake up in the morning thinking about how I am going to stay away from my addiction today. I am free of the obsession.