I can choose who to surrender to..

I have struggled with the idea of surrender.  The thought of giving my will and my life over to someone else is frightening and feels very foreign.  I don't like the idea of giving control to someone else.  This has been a real struggle for me. My sponsor has been very patient with me as I try, and he tries, to get it through my thick head that I'm not in control.

But, as I have been contemplating (and practicing) surrender to my Higher Power, a thought has occured to me.

I have always given control of my life over to someone else.  ALWAYS!!  As I think about it, I have given control of my life to my addict.  My addict has governed my thoughts and my actions. He has dictated where I go and what I do. He has dictated the TV shows I watch, the websites I visit. He has even dictated the streets I drive on and what time I go to lunch.  My addict has been in complete control.

Giving up control is nothing new.  My addict wants me to think it's new and different and frightening, but that's just another lie he's telling me.

Surrendering is not a new thing for me. I've spent years...decades...surrendering my will to lust and addiction.  The only thing that's new is surrendering to my Higher Power.

Today I practice surrendering to my Higher Power. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I need to practice more.  But I am committed to doing it.

And in doing this, I have found one thing I can control: I can control who I choose to surrender to.  I will surrender to someone, there is no doubt about that. But I can decide whether I surrender to my addict or to my Higher Power.