I was thinking this morning about how it is that I have made meaningful, wonderful friendships in SA, unlike any I have had pre-recovery. Before SA, my friendships were functional and superficial. I had friends to “do lunch”, shopping, or other activities. We rarely spoke of anything other than our kids or gossip. Now, I talk to my friends about everything that goes on in my head, my struggles and my victories, no matter how small. I have told them things that I swore I would never tell anyone. So how did this happen? SA has no Step on “how to make friends”
I think about what happens in meetings – a person I don’t know walks in, I immediately size them up – are they safe? I am guarded and protective of my self. Then, they open their mouth and share vulnerably – intimate, shameful, crazy things – and I change. I feel connected, compassionate, and in relationship with this person and then I let down my guard and share vulnerably. After several meetings, I start to feel love for this person – for all these people in my meetings.
So the formula I deduce from this is: Vulnerability + Emotional Intimacy = Love and Trust = Wonderful Friendships. Out in the real world, and pre recovery, I never got past the guarded and protective stage, so my relationships were superficial – only as deep as I allowed them to go.
And, applying this in reverse, it explains why my marriage ended. (If I am honest, the relationship ended long before my affairs and the divorce). We stopped being vulnerable and emotionally intimate, and the love and trust diminished.
I am so grateful for the change in me!