I was imagining a conversation I must have had with God before I was born, in which we squared off on this issue of me being a sexaholic. I'm thinking I just forgot it. I imagine it went something like this.
God: Well, you're about to be born. We're here to discuss your destiny.
Me: Lord, I know that you're a loving Father, and I'd like to make certain requests. I'd like to be something great. A famous author. I'd like to surround myself with a community of the rich, famous, and artistic.
God: I'm sending you to a community of sex addicts.
Me: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I want to be around society people.
God: Sex addicts.
Me: Sex addicts??? Ew! Sex addicts are scary. Even alcoholics look down on them. How long do I have to be with them? Weeks?
Me: This can't be.
God: There you'll learn about spirituality.
Me: By ministering to them?
God: By being one of them.
Me: You're making ME one of them?! No!!! I'll be anything but that... a mime, an Elvis impersonator, a vegan. Please tell me there are other options.
God: Only pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
Me: Okay, okay. I'll take the sex addicts.
God: I want you to especially listen and learn from the ones who believe they're insane. Pick the one who's most adamant on this point to be your sponsor.
Me: This is impossible!
God: Actually it's very simple. It only takes twelve steps.
Me: Twelve? That sounds like a lot.
God: Be grateful it's not a hundred. In return you will be given freedom.
Me: From what?
Me: Sex? How about freedom from illness, loneliness and unemployment? So let's see, you're taking me, a human who hates religion and telling me I'll need spirituality to survive, a loner and you're telling me I'll have to work in a group, a guy who wants to be normal and putting him in the most stigmatized sector of society?
God: Any questions?
Me: I'm rather ambitious. Is there at least a way for me to make a name for myself in this society?
God: It's anonymous.
Me: How about achieving a certain title or distinction?
God: You mean like "President of The S*x Addicts"?
Me: I mean a certain acclaim, like staying sober longer than the rest of them?
God: You want praise for not doing something you weren't supposed to be doing in the first place? That's like an embezzler who wants acclaim for not stealing.
Me: PLE-he-EASE don't make me a sex addict! Make me something normal, like a platypus.
God: So far you're only focusing on the negatives. But I'll constantly disclose more to you, more gifts and happiness than you can imagine so that one day you'll actually thank me for this plan and see it as perfect for you.
Me: All right, all right. Hi, my name is...., and I'm a recovering sexaholic.