Giving up fighting

In active addiction, and in early recovery, I did a lot of fighting. The more I fought the more I lost. Lust is so much more powerful than my will power and ability to fight. Today, I've given up fighting. I surrender my lust to my Higher Power, but often times that is not enough. My HP works best through others in the fellowship, whether that be my sponsor or some other recovery partner.

Surrendering is a progressive process. As I grow in recovery, I learn more about how to surrender and what to surrender. When I first joined SA, surrender was focused on lust and temptations to lust. Seeing a woman in the hallway and surrendering the need for a second look. Surrendering my right to surf on the Internet to pass the time, as it was a lust temptation for me. Surrender forcing myself on my wife to meet my "sexual needs", as if I'd die.

Now in recovery, and having worked the Steps, whenever I find myself wanting to indulge in lust, I take a deeper look at myself. Often this analysis is best done with another SA. Sometimes, I find that fear or anger or shame or guilt/remorse are lying beneath the surface and that is what I'm trying to escape from using lust.

When I find the driving force behind my lusting, I can work on surrendering it. Often the driving force is some fear about work - perhaps a presentation I have to make. I am afraid of what my co-workers will think of my work. When I'm fighting this fear, I'm doing whatever possible to control the outcome. So I surrender the fear by asking my HP to help me have faith in Him, direct me with the next right action and provide me strength to carry out that action.

This helps me to focus on what I need to do right now, rather than focusing on all the potential negative outcomes, to do the best I can with my presentation and let the chips fall where they may. If I do a good job - great. If I don't, it can be a learning experience for next time. When I surrender the root cause of my lusting, I'm fighting less. My HP rewards me by helping me to not take that second look.