I've been meditating today on the idea that, in our programme, there seems to be no such thing as surrender in the abstract. Surrender is a giving up of something specific, like a particular singular habit. Will power can’t do it, but surrendering it can, though it can be tough. Thus “everything I ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
Passive compliance or docility to one's HP rather than assertiveness is often seen as a guiding principle in recovery life but this submission is not meant to diminish our authentic selves.
HP is saddened that we believe we have to destroy divinely given dimensions of our personalities in order to be loved. Its OK to stumble and even shout our initial NO! For example, a strong-willed person (SWP) doesn’t fight against authority per se, but fights against the way authority is communicated. The SWP wants to have a say in things. He or she typically won't resist the idea of authority but needs to be involved in the process and would perhaps like to have a choice. “Do I want to wear my jacket or carry it?” or “Do you want to pick up the tools in the garage before my snack or after?”
In recovery, this can involve me in asking the question, “What do you want?” ...and then having the courage to listen to the reply. Or in asking myself, “Do I really want to find in God what I was formerly looking for in lust?” (“God whatever I am looking for in that person, place or thing, may I find it in you)” or “Would I rather be peaceful, knowing that God's will brings me peace, while my self-will leads only to acting in or acting out?"