Filling the God Hole

I attempted to use lust to fill the God-sized hole in my life. But I have found that is lust is an illusion that cannot ever fill that hole. I used to think, "if you want to have sex with me, I'm valid, I'm whole". To my mind, sex was the connection but, as the WB points out, it is actually the mis-connection. The true connection is real intimacy with another. But, for a guy like me, intimacy comes at a high price. I need to be open and honest with another and this involves becoming vulnerable. I spent a life time doing whatever it takes to avoid that vulnerability.

I tried to fill that intimacy hole with pornography, strip clubs, massage parlours and prostitutes.  Let's face it - that intimacy route only cost me money.  I could stay safe and not be open.  My thinking was sex = intimacy = true connection. This was pure insanity. It took me a long time to realize that intimacy is more than sex. The program has taught me that intimacy is into-me-see. Get to know the real me rather than the persona that I expose to the world.

I'm striving to fill that God-sized hole with a true connection with my Higher Power and with others - my wife, friends, co-workers and my SA friends. When I take the leap of vulnerability with another, I make a real connection and my God hole is filled. I have to surrender my desire for instant gratification and to fill that hole with lust and acting out. The high road is more difficult and takes more time, but it is well worth it.